Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a simple method for clear, empathic communication that focuses on four areas:
- Observations
- Feelings
- Needs
- Requests
NVC aims to find a way for everyone present to get what they really want without using guilt, humiliation, shame, blame, coercion, or threats.
It can help you resolve conflicts, connect with others, and live in a conscious, present, and attuned way to the genuine, living needs of yourself and others.
- NVC Practice
Describe the observations that have caused you to feel the need to speak up. These should be purely factual observations with no judgment or evaluation.
People frequently disagree about evaluations because they place different values on different things, but directly observable facts provide a common ground for communication.
For example, “It’s 2:00 a.m. and I hear your stereo playing” states an observed fact, while “It’s way too late to be making such an awful racket” makes an evaluation.
- Describe how you feel as a result of the observation
Without moral judgment, naming the emotion allows you to connect in a spirit of mutual respect and cooperation.
Perform this step with the intention of accurately identifying the feeling that you or the other person are experiencing at the time, not of shaming them or otherwise attempting to prevent them from feeling as they do. It can be difficult to put feelings into words at times.
For example, “There’s half an hour to go before the show starts, and I see that you’re pacing (observation). Are you nervous?”
- Describe the need that is the source of that feeling
When our needs are met, we feel happy and pleasant; when they are not met, we feel sad and unpleasant.
You can often find the underlying need by tuning into the feeling. Stating the need without moral judgment provides clarity for both you and the other person in that moment.
For example, “I see you looking away while I’m talking, and you’ve been speaking so quietly, I can’t hear you (observation). Please speak up so I can understand.
2. Handling Boundaries
Nonviolent Communication is an idealized communication style that will not work in every situation. Here’s how to do it right, and when to use a more direct, assertive communication style.
- Check to see if the person is open to nonviolent communication
NVC employs an emotional intimacy with which not everyone is always comfortable, and they have the right to set boundaries. If someone is unwilling to express their feelings, do not force or manipulate them to do so.
- Recognize that no one is responsible for someone else’s feelings
You are not obligated to change your actions simply because someone else does not approve of them. You have the right to say no if someone asks you to bend over backwards or ignore your own wants and needs.
- You should not have to sacrifice yourself or your needs for the sake of another.
- If someone is behaving aggressively, you can ask yourself what they need. However, this can be emotionally draining work, and it is okay to walk away and say “their negativity is not my problem.”
- Be aware that nonviolent communication has the potential to be abused
People may use NVC to harm others, and it is critical to recognize when this occurs.
It’s important to remember that tone is less important than what the person has to say, and some feelings should not be shared. Abusers can use NVC to exert control over others.
For example, “I feel disrespected when you don’t check in with me every 15 minutes.”
- Recognize that some people may not be concerned with your feelings
If the other person doesn’t care how you feel, saying “I feel humiliated when you make fun of me in front of my peers” won’t help.
Nonviolent communication works wonders when people inadvertently hurt each other, but not when it is done on purpose or when one party doesn’t care if they hurt someone or not. It’s better to be direct in these situations, such as “stop it,” “leave me alone,” or “that hurts.”
For Example, when someone is upset with you, it isn’t always because you’ve done something wrong. When one person attacks another, neither side is equally valid.
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